tough times

I know things havent really been said much here, but believe me lots has been thought about. Hubby has had so many people round to see him whether is been his brain people  the consultants or the the physio people, all which has been stressful. This week we had a docter from the medical services visit us to see if we are genuine in our claim to incapacity benefit.  Stressed out or what. We both tried to go to the office to have this assessment but after struggling to get into the building and of course the emence pressure he felt to even go in the first place, we got asked at the reception are you possible to go down the stairs unaided, i mean we both laughed and said does it look like he can, after being squeezed into the smallest of lifts because he has to use a wheelchair to move around do you really think i would of done that if you really think that i can use the stairs....... After saying this we got told sorry but because you cannot go down the stairs unaided im afraid you will have to go home again as we are unable to do your interview, Argh i meanwhy didnt they tell us on the phone when we asked them if they have wheelchair access....?????
Anyway after that you can get some idea why hubby wasnt really looking forward to it.

I hour later interview done, hubbys social worker was here too but that didnt help settle his nerves. I can just see the stress in his face, poor thing he becomes so anxious. After all is done he sits there and just goes through everything in his mind again, stiring everything upto a mush in his brain. I try to say not to worry but i know it wont stop him thinking about it all. I just wish that i could take all of his troubles away...
The one thing that i worry about is that at the moment he has 2 problems, 1 being his leg and 2 his mental health and as always with these tests is that its most problem a docter that has no idea about how mental health really affects a person and how can they judge you all in 1 hour. You know people can be so blind to things that they can not see, broken leg fine will wait until thats healed. Well with mental health sometimes you know you cant heal it, like hubby its always going to be there. Yes sometimes its worst than others but its always there, struggling every day. I sometimes look at other people and they seem to have no worries, no pain, no restrictions, they seem to have everything just fall in thier laps. I would just like one day for hubby not to worry, not to get upset and be concerned about his every movement worrying about whether his decisions are right or wrong.
The professionals keep saying 'normal' what is normal, everyone has their own perspective of what is normal so we shouldnt really judge ourselves.
You know especially at this time of year when everyone meets up with their friends i do feel for him as like many of you might know that suffer, you lose alot of orignal friends as people just dont what to do, prehaps they are scared, not sure what to do or they dont want to be involved in some elses big problems. Its a shame as you dont change as a person, yes he might be a little quiet at times or be abit snappy due to his anxeity but if people just stop and try to understand what is happening to him then there is no surprise. I just wish people wouldnt judge without the understanding. If you are a true friend it really wouldnt bother you, you would take every day as it comes.
Anyway im going to stop now and take some time out, thankyou for reading.
The Mrs x

to my wife

Thankyou for all you support. I love you and i will always, through the good times and the bad times we will eventually get there.
My leg will heal. my head my take some time but i know that with our love we can get through this.
I love you, and you will always be my Len, your grateful husband Andrew x

The Black Dog

      I have suffered from depression since I was fourteen and yes a man. Men are more likely not to talk about depression and especially to other men. At some point in your life you will meet someone who has depression or even see it yourself, and its only then you realise how much this disease ‘clinical depression’ affects home life and it is not always easy to live with.

  Depression is a complex thing, and you often hear people say get a life and get over it, but when you have depression it’s not just that easy to just get a life and get over it, your brain races at a hundred miles per hour analysing every little detail, trying to find the negative in anything you do. It seems to drag you in and pull you down to the point where you don’t want to get up, and you want to stay in bed all day. You don’t want to meet anybody and you just want to stay in your own little bubble, but it can still get darker to the point that you see no future. This is why I call it the BLACK DOG, you always feel like you are being chased by depression where it wants to drag you down where it is dark and dangerous.

  Life is not easy, and you only get one go at it. One minute you can be happy, then the next minute you feel like you have been swallowed by a black hole, with no way of getting out.

I am a very lucky man that has a family that tries to understand but again it must still be hard on them.

 My wife and me have set up this Blog so it gives us a way of talking and hopefully letting people (especially men ) know that it’s not a taboo subject and that’s it’s ok to talk about your feelings even if you do end up crying.

  

At the beggining from a loved ones point of view.

Hi me and my husband has thought about this for a while, you know keeping a diary of the ups and downs of depression and how it effects people, i know this is a subject that people dont talk about whether it is because they dont want to know and they have just shut themselves away from it and ignore it or whether they are prehaps worried about what a person with depression will do. I mean people with depression dont seem to get a good publicity with the press, as soon as something bad happens the press are soon there saying that these people have suffered or are being treated for depression, then everyone just thinks that all depressives are complete lunatics that want to harm people. In the real world though there are alot of people and alot of them men  that suffer that are just really lonely, worried, and sad.  You know you can have lots of people around you and still feel very lonely. 
My husband has suffered with depression since around age of 15 but the true symptons didnt start to show until we got together at the ages of  19 - 20 yrs. Neither of us understood then what was happening, we just both assumed that we were going through a tough patch at what was the beginning of our relationship. We both knew that there was something special between us so we stuck by each other determinded to see the bad times through. Between 6 to 12 months of us being together, my husbands  parents realised that there was something else wrong so they decided to contact the docters for some advice.
The docter told them that from what they had said it seemed very likely that he was suffering from depression, but without my husband going to the docters himself there was nothing else that could be done. Eventually after coming to terms to the fact that he could be suffering from depression he went to the docters and got the help he most desparately needed. At last we had a slight understanding of what was going on and why we were suffering in our relationship.